This blog is more serious and not really about the kids so read at your own risk! LOL!
I am not very good with words but I feel like writing might help me feel better so here is my sad attempt. A lot has been on my mind the last few weeks. I have been extremely hard on myself too. Our little family is going through an extremely hard time financially as well, which has added to the stress I've been accumulating. I have also been humbled deeply! I did not know I needed to be humbled, but a loving Heavenly Father knew I did.
I have not been the best mother, or wife (this is the being hard on myself part). But it is partly true. My husband is my best friend yet lately I have treated him like worse than a stranger. I am not rude or mean to him. In fact I hardly talk to him at all. When he asks me if I'm "OK" or if "anything is wrong," I give him the same response...which is, "I'm fine." But I don't feel fine. And, I have been pushing him away. And I didn't know why....Now I know but I will get to that later.
I was also pushing my kids aside, and feeling annoyed and burdened by them. Some times I even doubted that I loved them at all. I yelled at them all day about every little thing and kept telling me to just leave me alone. I didn't want them around me...and again I didn't know why. But now I do.
I was feeling overwhelmed too, like I couldn't catch my breath. Then I kind of stopped functioning. Instead of taking care of my home and my children (and even myself), I was on Facebook, wasting the days. Then one day during one of my "escape episodes," I came across a blog (click here http://www.themomentswestand.blogspot.com/). This blogged completely opened my eyes and gave me my "aha" moment!
First I was humbled and I know I did not stumble across that blog by accident! Second, I realized I really did not love myself or even like myself. I was humbled by understanding that there are worse things in the world that can happen to me besides bankruptcy, or even turning 30. This woman that I read about found beauty in world that was dark. She went to hell and back and became stronger through it. And here I was, falling apart because my stomach sags a little (not the whole reason but you get the point I hope). After doing A LOT of thinking I realized why I did not love myself. And, why I was pushing my family aside. Those two actually go hand in hand with each other. I will explain...
I came to realize that it is really hard to love others when you do not first love yourself.
Wow I saved this blog post and it published before I finished. LOL! Thanks for the comments though. I will finish the rest now. ;-)
I have been observing other moms and saw the way they interact with their children. And it made my heart break because I don't feel I interact the same way. I don't feel like I say, "I love you" enough, I don't read or sing to them, I don't hug them enough or give them enough kisses. And my patience has been WAY to short. And I get angry too easily. It then hit me that I was becoming the mom I never wanted to be (which is my biggest fear!). That's when I was starting to feel broken. So I felt inspired to read my patriarchal blessing. And over and over they same phrase kept popping up all over. "Pray to you Father in Heaven..." And that is when it REALLY hit me! Wow when did I stop praying? That shield was gone no wonder Satan was so close. I completely let him in by not communicating to my loving Heavenly Father. Not only did I let Satan in but I let him make me believe that I wasn't good enough! And he made something so simple as dropping to my knees and bowing my head, seem impossible. Well not anymore! When I had my first child I promised I would be the Mother that I never had. And thanks to an amazing wake up call and some much needed humbling, I am being the mom I have always wanted to be. Things aren't perfect and that's okay. I still lose my temper once in a while, but I don't raise my voice in anger anymore. And to me that is a HUGE deal...because I used to yell...a LOT!
I have definitely learned great lessons the past few weeks.
1. PRAY ALWAYS: Heavenly Father loves ME. And no problem is too small or big for His listening ear.
2. I am a good mother and wife, I just have to take off Satan's blindfold and see it. I need to listen to that still small voice that tells me I am doing a good job.
3. Everyone has their problems, nobody is perfect, and I need to stop comparing myself to others.
4. My children were sent to ME. And no one else. I have the privilege to raise some AMAZING daughters and son of God and I MUST teach them where they come from and that they are loved (because that is something I did not feel very much as a child).
So that is my crazy rambling. I don't need any sympathy. I am doing great! I just wanted show my growing experience. Thanks for reading. ;-)
